Living in FOMO

See I didn’t know how to describe this feeling till I came across few weeks ago, FOMO. That’s what my twenties have been about. And while I slowly reach the end of my 29th year of life, that’s how I can describe my twenties.

Hindsight is a terrible thing, it can make you feel guilty, smart, stupid, naive etc. And I can’t help but look back at my twenties when I am so close to ending a significant era of my life. There are many TEDx talks on this issue, make twenties your everything, or twenties aren’t everything. Everyone has a point of view, and a lot of those points seem logical, reasonable, understandable, but nevertheless don’t calm my soul.

You see I didn’t ever make a concrete plan for myself, I was only 19 when I got married. To be honest, I didn’t even know the significance of having a plan in the first place. But with time, I realised that the sane thing is to be the best that you can. Achieve what you’re capable of, and hustle for that.

My twenties, I lived in FOMO, and when I asked myself what exactly those things were. I strangely, with a broken heart had to succumb to accepting that I actually was in the FOMO on my twenties. It doesn’t get disappointing than that. Nothing I have done in my twenties has given me leverage for my thirties. Isn’t that what it’s all about in the end? Everything we do consciously has to eventually yield some fruit. None of the seeds I sowed, are worth jazz for my future. Highlights include a degree via distance in Psychology, a career stream I am no longer interested in because it requires dedication and higher education. I started a Sunday School, and Yes, Allah will reward me in continuity for this venture. However due to my health I’m not able to go as regularly as I used to. I spent 6.5 years married, trying to make things work, only to end up divorcing. Wasted the crucial early twenties in this. Got married again, and have a baby boy too. And as we all know babies bring a big gigantic comma if not full stop to your life. The struggle of adjusting to a new home life, a new partner, a new marriage is on another level. A simultaneous custody case in court for the daughter, drains energy out. I won the case and have her, and working on damage control.

I am not anti-struggle. I just want a different struggle now. I want a struggle that takes me somewhere, a struggle that has some promise. Otherwise I will remain in this state of unrest, irritated, in quarter life crisis, constantly confused, pulled on one side spiritually, and struggling to survive through every worldly issues.

The highs and lows are extreme now, emotionally it’s draining to be a mom, add to that someone who actually wants to be more than that. Simply because I have the potential. How does one get clarity, when the clouds of disappointment are always around? Where do you go for support when you have only one friend in the city? How much can you burden others with your same unresolved questions?

One thing I know for sure is that the thirties shouldn’t have to be this way. But unless I figure things out, I will be aimless squandering like a nomad. What do we do, to not live in FOMO?

Would you kill the queen to crush the hive?

I work at a school. And one of the best experiences being around young human beings is, you kinda don’t grow up. You are constantly reminded of your adolescence, your childhood, your teenage issues. You are almost forced to be in that phase of your life, reminiscing constantly, some conversations get you nostalgic about your own uniform clad school days.

CAM01338And as a counselor for me it’s all about solving problems, providing clarity, support, unconditional love, a safe environment for children to just let go and express themselves. I think it’s crucial for children to know that there is always going to be someone there for them, through thick and thin. And this someone isn’t always going to be an adult, a good friend can go a long way. When I was in school, there were times of loss of clarity, a feeling of struggle to own your life, take control, choose your own path etc. And this particular song used to describe that feeling. That realisation of not just the struggle, and important of taking control, but the significance support plays in the whole drill.

I listened to music in those days not for the actual music, but lyrics. And this song has powerful lyrics. My personal favourite lines from the song are not in every version of the song.

‘Would you kill the queen to crush the hive?

And would you choose water over wine, hold the wheel and drive?’

The song is written beautifully, and the chorus signifies the importance of being there for your friend (or family, or lover), no matter what decision they make:

incubus

Have there been any songs that have had a special relevance to your life growing up?

Potential

There is magic in potential. The first time i had heard of the term , it was my 5th grade PTM at school. I looked up the word in the dictionary and since then that word has had a significant space in my mental vocabulary.

As a mother It’s sad that I have to take time out to remind myself that I am human. And I deserve to be cared for, and most importantly, I should be supported implicitly to realise my potential. We end our lives at marriage, or kids, or just the camaraderie of homemaking. And it’s not just exclusive to a stay at home mom, this is something every mother faces. We lose ourselves.

I firmly believe in the beauty of potential. We all have some significant areas of potential, and it is our responsibility to make sure we struggle at attaining that. It’s important that we aim to achieve it in our lifetime. And this struggle has to be support. Human beings weren’t meant to live separate lives, individualised like the settings of our phones. We are meant to co-exist, be educated about our way of life and help each other realise their innate potential. The world will be at its best when everyone in it are focused at being the best that they can be.

Sadly I have experienced the loss of support. And I have struggled thoroughly to build that support system within myself. It’s not easy. And definitely not required. The positivity of our lives stems from having the right kind of people around us. If we want to grow, we have to grow together, if we want a break, we have to take it together. Be patient, be empathetic, discard judgement and just be there for each other.

Potential is in all of us, mine didn’t die after PTMs. It’s still there, and in many areas. As I explore the person that I am, I understand the person that can be. And I advice all mothers to take time out, think about yourself, find out what you need to do, to be the best version of yourself. Demand respect, demand closure, demand support. Its our right, we’re answerable for all the slacking we do in our lives. Our children won’t understand random excuses, they want to be led by actions not mere words passed on from generations.

And I promise in this struggle you will find your true friends, and family. You will find truth.