Another year has passed and I am 28. And while some things have changed, some things just haven’t. Some of those make me happy some of them not so much. I wonder more than ever before, what life has become. And it leaves me filled with questions. Questions, I don’t have answers for, I will look for them, until I lose hope.
Fact is, at 28 I feel like an old soul. I am not suicidal, but I feel like I have lived my share of struggles. I guess the pessimist in me has more power over the optimist. At times I wonder where I lost her. Which phase of life made me loose connection with her. Some days are more colourful than others, but I guess I am looking for some level of settlement in life.
I am grateful though. As grateful as you can be in my circumstance, and I am happy that I still have the intellect to look at others and be thankful for my life. Some thoughts have been recurring in the past year. Mainly when looking at others, I am not a hypocrite. I know some people are destined for hell, their actions, words, and the fleet that supports them too will drown in the fury of hell fire. I am glad I am not them.
Coming closer to thirties scares me. I don’t know why. Maybe I had very high expectations from myself. Then again, I know I was very well capable of achieving them. But then life happens. I don’t know when I will get myself to accept the present, the reality, the truth. It’s like a mind block that’s become a road block.
I guess the lesson learned is to not plan beyond a year. Maybe that’s too much planning. As each day I realise that maybe it’s time for setting targets and focusing a decent amount of time on mental preparation. Being head strong is everything, with age I think we can become our own hurdle.
It’s rather odd that I have to console and tell myself that I have achieved a lot in my twenties. It’s difficult to accept them as achievements sometimes. I have so much in pending. One thing is for sure, It’s better to dream, than to not dream at all. Because it takes courage and planning and intellect to set goals for yourself. It requires insight, and passion. We don’t control circumstances, Allah does. At-least I will die struggling, and working toward a better tomorrow for myself.