Living in FOMO

See I didn’t know how to describe this feeling till I came across few weeks ago, FOMO. That’s what my twenties have been about. And while I slowly reach the end of my 29th year of life, that’s how I can describe my twenties.

Hindsight is a terrible thing, it can make you feel guilty, smart, stupid, naive etc. And I can’t help but look back at my twenties when I am so close to ending a significant era of my life. There are many TEDx talks on this issue, make twenties your everything, or twenties aren’t everything. Everyone has a point of view, and a lot of those points seem logical, reasonable, understandable, but nevertheless don’t calm my soul.

You see I didn’t ever make a concrete plan for myself, I was only 19 when I got married. To be honest, I didn’t even know the significance of having a plan in the first place. But with time, I realised that the sane thing is to be the best that you can. Achieve what you’re capable of, and hustle for that.

My twenties, I lived in FOMO, and when I asked myself what exactly those things were. I strangely, with a broken heart had to succumb to accepting that I actually was in the FOMO on my twenties. It doesn’t get disappointing than that. Nothing I have done in my twenties has given me leverage for my thirties. Isn’t that what it’s all about in the end? Everything we do consciously has to eventually yield some fruit. None of the seeds I sowed, are worth jazz for my future. Highlights include a degree via distance in Psychology, a career stream I am no longer interested in because it requires dedication and higher education. I started a Sunday School, and Yes, Allah will reward me in continuity for this venture. However due to my health I’m not able to go as regularly as I used to. I spent 6.5 years married, trying to make things work, only to end up divorcing. Wasted the crucial early twenties in this. Got married again, and have a baby boy too. And as we all know babies bring a big gigantic comma if not full stop to your life. The struggle of adjusting to a new home life, a new partner, a new marriage is on another level. A simultaneous custody case in court for the daughter, drains energy out. I won the case and have her, and working on damage control.

I am not anti-struggle. I just want a different struggle now. I want a struggle that takes me somewhere, a struggle that has some promise. Otherwise I will remain in this state of unrest, irritated, in quarter life crisis, constantly confused, pulled on one side spiritually, and struggling to survive through every worldly issues.

The highs and lows are extreme now, emotionally it’s draining to be a mom, add to that someone who actually wants to be more than that. Simply because I have the potential. How does one get clarity, when the clouds of disappointment are always around? Where do you go for support when you have only one friend in the city? How much can you burden others with your same unresolved questions?

One thing I know for sure is that the thirties shouldn’t have to be this way. But unless I figure things out, I will be aimless squandering like a nomad. What do we do, to not live in FOMO?

If you can't be human

I had a group counseling session with a class at school, and one of the topics we brushed on was gender equality and how it’s important to be human being before anything. Racism is common everywhere in the world, and while we are all entitled to our own opinions, I just wanted to share a basic realisation that I believe is worth sharing and at-least a discussion amongst your friends and family.

As human beings if we can’t be human, then we shouldn’t claim to be of any religion, belief or discriminate anyone on the basis of colour, caste, creed, education, economic status etc. It’s just pointless. No matter where in the world you are, when we bleed we bleed the same blood. This reminds me of a book ; ‘Whoever you are’ by Mem Fox. It’s a beautiful book for even the adults to read, it simplifies the issues of the world to the basics, in the end we are all human. I highly recommend parents and teachers to read this book multiple times to their children/students.  Host discussions on the topic, and sensitise everyone on being human. This book reasons with logic, that no matter where you are in the world the pain we feel, the blood that pours out, the feelings are all the same, no matter how we look, what we become, how qualified we get, no matter how different we are, we are all the same, we are all human.

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Explaining everything to children becomes easy when you break it down, the essence of us and what makes us unique from animals is our capacity to be beings with intellectual capacity, to understand, sympathise, empathise with fellow beings. And if we can’t be human, then we are worse than animals.

Where is happiness?

Emptiness takes over every marriage, for some it happens earlier for some later. There’s no set time to it. Marriage is more complex than newly weds comprehend, and the married are still too confused to explain it. Happiness seems lost, a vacuum is felt, it’s not gender specific. It’s not entirely dependent on factors like kids, in-laws, extended family, society, work, exhausting responsibilities, financial stress. There’s no indication, it just happens. It just does. And with the exposure to media, it’s becoming even more easier to consider “quitting” the marriage and “moving on”.

We are complex beings, we are human beings, the most unreliable recourse on earth. But it is we who can make a change, it is us who can DO something, solve problems, THINK about them, consult those with experience. We shouldn’t be quitters. We should be role models, we should be able to look beyond our understandings and perceptions, we are the ones who can truly educate ourselves. If we can’t act educated, then why do we believe ourselves to be superior to animals?

In fact our music and lyrics are making us think like animals. Social sciences phrases such as ‘social animal’, ‘party animal’, are making us think we’re very close to them not just biologically but spiritually and mentally. ff we can’t think about others before we make decisions, if he can’t look beyond the present problem, if we can’t keep hope, what’s our purpose?

Feel good, make a check list

So on and on again the Hyderabadi atmosphere will lead all moms into the deep dark side of domestic drama.

And I have the ultimate solution. A check list. A positive check list of realistic goals, goals that can be achieved on an everyday basis, not a week, every single day. Be it organising your little make-up collection or sorting out your shoes. As long as you do something for yourself, and keep your mind busy you are happy.

Somethings, people, attitudes don’t change. We are the only person we have control over. So lets make a better future for us one check list at a time and one child at a time. Make sure that our children grow up to be self-sufficient, happy, safe, and grateful and respectful to the people around them.

The drama is inevitable, that’s not something you can control, be it a family member, or any random auto guy. What can be worked on is only what you control. So concentrate on that, and make your life so busy that you’re too busy to be consumed by random low mindedness!

Stay positive mommys hang in there!!