My white and clarity

It’s really odd when you’re thinking about something and suddenly you read about the same. There’s an overwhelming feeling that takes over you. I have experienced two such situations or phenomena recently. One of which I experienced just today. But we shall go in the order of occurrence for respect.

1. I have always been the loud one, when it came to enjoying, having fun, motivating someone, but never when it came to problems that were my own. I like to solve them on my own, I like to be patient, and be supportive via space and silence. I pick up on energy very quickly, I know by just walking past a person how they’re feeling. This sense gets heightened when I know the person. This is an area of my potential, and I believe that people like me bring comfort, there’s a reason why I am able to be a good counselor and comforter for students and friends alike. I will be the quiet, patient ear. And I have been treated unjustly. And well in the midst of all the sad drama I came across this quote of Ernest Hemingway, and it was the pure expression of what I was going through. And somehow it made me feel good that a man (especially) is capable of understanding an experience women face on a regular basis, especially in family life.

ernest hemingway. suffering

2. My maternal grandfather was a spiritually blessed man, people used to come to him for all sort of ailments and he used to recite prayers for them and comfort them. I never asked him any future telling questions, I didn’t want the ‘grandparentness’ to go away from him, because no matter what he would be my nana first. Anyway, once he has asked me a question, he asked what it is that I want to see the most in life. And I responded spontaneously as it was something I had thought of previously and I knew the exact answer. I said, I want to see a lot of ice, all white around me, me in the center of white purity. I related that to ice, as I have never experienced snow. And his response was, well it was more of a nod and appreciating bafflement. He didn’t say anything, but he looked impressed. I didn’t ask ‘why?’ because that would break the ‘grandparetness’ code I had set up in my head. Today I was going through the 600 odd pics from last evenings madrasa event, and I saw this one pic and went, ‘wow! this is exactly the white purity and surrounded by whiteness I was talking about, and there’s no ice!’. And a feeling of complete beauty took over me, I smiled into the picture and tears came to my eyes. I found my white.

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I hope in life we are able to find the courage to not just try to find the truth but fight for it. So many of us live under the pressure of a conformist society, just trying to get through the day that; we forget that there’s a higher purpose to achieve. I have found my white, and I have faith in those who believe in moving forward, and aren’t afraid to stand for the truth. Stand up for what’s wrong, and most importantly refuse to be silent sufferers,because we know for a fact that; not all will realise that our patience, our silence and our strength is actually meant for the change, and not acceptance of dwelling in the problems.

Happy strength mommies!

What makes us who we are?

Here’s a thought that always occurs in my head. As human beings we are constantly evolving, and with the increased influence of media we have become even more susceptible to change. Our experiences, our beliefs our values make up who we are. But how do you know what the future holds for you?

I am not the person I was when I was 18, in fact I see more change in me every other day. I can’t make out if it’s because I am willing to adapt, willing to absorb what’s around me and mold myself into that shape. I can’t make out if I was truly meant to be who I am today also. This is where I ask myself, really what is it that makes us who we are?

From my self-observation it has been the people around me. I am an extrovert, and opinions of people, their body language, their sense of interaction is not negligent to me. I am observant and being in the field of psychology, I people watch too. This year I decided to take control over what I become. Because I can’t control what’s around me, living or non-living. But I can try to keep a list of traits that I want to acquire and a list of those I want to let go of. And along the way if I find something interesting that adds to me, I shall grab it. That’s my motto now when it comes to personal growth.

It gets difficult with our mommy lives to be able to think about the ‘you’ that has been pushed aside, everything else comes before ‘you’ to the point that we start to become nonexistent to ourselves. That’s when the society, the people and ideologies around us attack our personalities, and take away some goodness from it. The areas that needed to grow, tend to get stuck, you become weak as a person. And that’s not good.

As a mother I have learned a lesson from all these floating thoughts about what really makes us who we are. And I am going to make sure Batool asks herself this question. Because that will force her to bring things into perspective, what am I and where should I be and how can I get there. The beauty of inner soul is that only you can control it, if you let go of being the boss of who you are, others will grab it, and then you”ll be like a puppet on strings.