Living in FOMO

See I didn’t know how to describe this feeling till I came across few weeks ago, FOMO. That’s what my twenties have been about. And while I slowly reach the end of my 29th year of life, that’s how I can describe my twenties.

Hindsight is a terrible thing, it can make you feel guilty, smart, stupid, naive etc. And I can’t help but look back at my twenties when I am so close to ending a significant era of my life. There are many TEDx talks on this issue, make twenties your everything, or twenties aren’t everything. Everyone has a point of view, and a lot of those points seem logical, reasonable, understandable, but nevertheless don’t calm my soul.

You see I didn’t ever make a concrete plan for myself, I was only 19 when I got married. To be honest, I didn’t even know the significance of having a plan in the first place. But with time, I realised that the sane thing is to be the best that you can. Achieve what you’re capable of, and hustle for that.

My twenties, I lived in FOMO, and when I asked myself what exactly those things were. I strangely, with a broken heart had to succumb to accepting that I actually was in the FOMO on my twenties. It doesn’t get disappointing than that. Nothing I have done in my twenties has given me leverage for my thirties. Isn’t that what it’s all about in the end? Everything we do consciously has to eventually yield some fruit. None of the seeds I sowed, are worth jazz for my future. Highlights include a degree via distance in Psychology, a career stream I am no longer interested in because it requires dedication and higher education. I started a Sunday School, and Yes, Allah will reward me in continuity for this venture. However due to my health I’m not able to go as regularly as I used to. I spent 6.5 years married, trying to make things work, only to end up divorcing. Wasted the crucial early twenties in this. Got married again, and have a baby boy too. And as we all know babies bring a big gigantic comma if not full stop to your life. The struggle of adjusting to a new home life, a new partner, a new marriage is on another level. A simultaneous custody case in court for the daughter, drains energy out. I won the case and have her, and working on damage control.

I am not anti-struggle. I just want a different struggle now. I want a struggle that takes me somewhere, a struggle that has some promise. Otherwise I will remain in this state of unrest, irritated, in quarter life crisis, constantly confused, pulled on one side spiritually, and struggling to survive through every worldly issues.

The highs and lows are extreme now, emotionally it’s draining to be a mom, add to that someone who actually wants to be more than that. Simply because I have the potential. How does one get clarity, when the clouds of disappointment are always around? Where do you go for support when you have only one friend in the city? How much can you burden others with your same unresolved questions?

One thing I know for sure is that the thirties shouldn’t have to be this way. But unless I figure things out, I will be aimless squandering like a nomad. What do we do, to not live in FOMO?

28 years of learning, thoughts, wisdom and life

Another year has passed and I am 28. And while some things have changed, some things just haven’t. Some of those make me happy some of them not so much. I wonder more than ever before, what life has become. And it leaves me filled with questions. Questions, I don’t have answers for, I will look for them, until I lose hope.

Fact is, at 28 I feel like an old soul. I am not suicidal, but I feel like I have lived my share of struggles. I guess the pessimist in me has more power over the optimist. At times I wonder where I lost her. Which phase of life made me loose connection with her. Some days are more colourful than others, but I guess I am looking for some level of settlement in life.

I am grateful though. As grateful as you can be in my circumstance, and I am happy that I still have the intellect to look at others and be thankful for my life. Some thoughts have been recurring in the past year. Mainly when looking at others, I am not a hypocrite. I know some people are destined for hell, their actions, words, and the fleet that supports them too will drown in the fury of hell fire. I am glad I am not them.

Coming closer to thirties scares me. I don’t know why. Maybe I had very high expectations from myself. Then again, I know I was very well capable of achieving them. But then life happens. I don’t know when I will get myself to accept the present, the reality, the truth. It’s like a mind block that’s become a road block.

I guess the lesson learned is to not plan beyond a year. Maybe that’s too much planning. As each day I realise that maybe it’s time for setting targets and focusing a decent amount of time on mental preparation. Being head strong is everything, with age I think we can become our own hurdle.

It’s rather odd that I have to console and tell myself that I have achieved a lot in my twenties. It’s difficult to accept them as achievements sometimes. I have so much in pending. One thing is for sure, It’s better to dream, than to not dream at all. Because it takes courage and planning and intellect to set goals for yourself. It requires insight, and passion. We don’t control circumstances, Allah does. At-least I will die struggling, and working toward a better tomorrow for myself.

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Something different happened this year on my birthday. I am no longer afraid to grow old. The feeling is totally gone. I used to always joke and wish anyone on their birthday saying “Congrats you’re one year closer to death!” And while I wished myself the same, I realised that I should be grateful for the year that has gone by, no matter how it went, I am alive, and I have survived the downs and stayed humble during the ups.

Another conscious move that I am making it to think in terms of destiny. What has God planned for me this year, and be excited each day, and be thankful each day of the people and happenings. For surely I do not control everything and I need to be able to focus on the day and make sure if my Birthday didn’t bring me a whole year closer to death, I at least made the most of the few days/weeks/months!

Been thinking of death more often as well, as a reminder of the inevitable returning to your creator.I fantasize more about heaven now, and think seriously about life after death. Not focusing on long term stressful goals, even if it is my education, because you just can’t plan anything.I am going to make an effort to make the most of the present.

How did my Bday go?

Well it was a busy day just like last year, I had a training to do at SAFA. After which the hubby and I had lunch at Spice 6, picked up my red velvet cheese cake from Eclaire and headed home. It was a busy day, the cake was yummy as usual.

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I have to say the packaging of the cakes at Eclaire is beautiful. Eclaire is my go-to place for baked goodness, I love their chocolate cupcakes, and triple chocolate brownie cake, it’s very heavy but if you’re a chocolate lover, you’ve got to taste it!

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I had been told by cousin to visit Spice 6 but I only could get around to doing that recently, and I am in love with their Arabic platter, takes me back to Dubai, it’s so filling and delicious. They are known for their lebanese food, I have been there twice already and ordered the same platter! It’s just yum!spice 6

The hubby couldn’t make up his mind on the birthday present, so I asked him to buy me a stationery obsession I was having, this pen has been in my wishlist since forever, I didn’t want to buy ANOTHER pen without having a good enough excuse. And what better excuse than your birthday!

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It’s a matte black Parker. Lovely!

I am looking forward to life. And not concerned about growing older, going to take each day, one step at a time. 🙂

 

 

 

Happy birthday Batool

6 years ! Wow! I remember the time when Batool was born, her tiny preemie body and I used to pacify myself with thoughts that one day she will go to school and be big and healthy.

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The dreams never end, but as she grows older the only dream I have for her is to be a great human being, who is just , patient and responsible. Just want her to be the best version of herself so that more than anyone else in the world she should be proud of herself.

As her mother all I can do is pray, and work towards this goal with every hopeful opportunity I get, and hustle.

I got her three presents this year, a book (Fun on the farm) , a puzzle ( All the 7 days) and a framed pic of me and her so every time she misses me she can simply see the pic.

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Patience and tests of human beings require the most endurance. I have realised that a relationship with God is the only relationship that is needed to save any relationship on earth. Been a mother for six years and am proud to be one for the rest of my life to this amazing girl who has served as a means for me to get closer to Allah swt. And continues to do so with patience and inspiration.

One year closer to death.

Hehe, I know sounds rather pessimistic when talking about a birthday, but hey! let’s be realistic! hehe

I don’t like celebrating birthdays (read fact #19), because I view them as my title suggests, but I do think it’s a good day to let others in your life know how much you appreciate them. Plus any other time of the year people won’t buy you presents (you shall laugh now)

Since 14th July marked finalisation of the Irans Nuclear agreement, the younger brother made brownie and sent me a pic, half of it was in celebration for my birthday and the rest for Iran. I accepted!

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So what happened on the 15th of July 2015? Well I had to back to back classes at HAP, and an exam in the second class. Was I prepared? Umm…No! I had missed three very crucial classes cos of the Chennai trips in the past two weeks, so I was lagging behind. However the exam went pretty fine and the whole day went in that. I did like the fact that my “new” year started off in a good tone, day 1 of the 27th year of life defined my life. I identify myself as a student for life, so Wednesday was a very good day.

After class I stopped at Archie’s to pick up a birthday card for myself from my daughter and also a mug. She’s too young to pick cards and presents, so I did it. One day she shall haul in a section at a shop count her pocket money and buy me a card or present. I shall patiently wait for that day. That day would definitely be special.

Reached at me paternal aunts place at around 9:30ish, had dinner, made the daughter sign the cards (yes I picked two, cos they were just too good). My younger paternal uncle and aunt had bought a cake, which I cut and the drill happened. Yummy cake, and when I reached home, I saw a present from them too! and it was the sweetest thing ever!

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16th July I threw a dinner for me girl friends. Haiking is my favourite restaurant in Hyderabad. I can eat their noodles, every single day. So it only fit that I treat me friends for a dinner there, and guess who joined? The Batool! The idea was to introduce me friends to each other, since they’re all from different parts of me life, and since I can remember, I always went to Haiking (Himayatnagar), and wanted to host my own dinner for friends at the round table. It was a dream of mine to have 8 friends, whom I could chill with. And it happened, even though 2 of them couldn’t make it. Two chairs empty but the heart is full with love!

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Got a pretty pink bag, I would not have dared to ever buy a pink bag, so it’s good to get presents that push me to try new things, and lovely bag has a long strap, I am into sling bags, plus the size is perfect (not too big not too small). A voucher from shoppers stop also awaits to be used! Thank you guys!

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It was a lovely birthday, felt very loved. Thank you all for the wishes. Eid post coming up next!

Randomness in pics

I had been taking pics over the past two weeks of what I am up to, and boy was I busy! So here’s a quick rundown of what I was upto:

Indulged in some proper junk post class on the way home…

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Magnums Chocolate truffle is the best

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Went to chennai to resolve university issues and write the practical exam

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Check out this cabs sticker at the airport! Hilarious!

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So glad to be part of the world when we’re technologically advanced enough to fly through clouds and view them like this! I wish I could live on clouds.

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Waited at the Chennai airport for good 4 hours before we were allowed to get in. They don’t have sufficient seating arrangements in the airport, which is super inconvenient for tourists/non residential travelers.

IMG-20150703-WA0033Received my re-issued passport!

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Worked like a maniac to complete the record, flew to Chennai again for it.

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New academic year at madrasa began! Was doing prep for it while in Chennai after classes.

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Liked the chandelier in the hotel, looks like falling stars…

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Saturday 11th July was a super busy day, had 9AM class at HAP secundrabad, then went for the SEN orientation at school. Followed by Iftar at my cousins fiances house.

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Batools class door, so cute

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Batool really enjoyed spending time with family, and I relaxed too, and even though it was a late Saturday, I was all prepped for another busy day at the madrasa.

Quite a bit of regular homework coming in PP2 she’s finally gotten settled into the class and is coping up okay.

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As for the coming days, I have an exam on Wed, a target submission of assignments on 30th, group counseling sessions at school, and may add spoken Arabic classes to the list after Eid 🙂

The birthday month started off very hectic, planning for a dinner out with my gal pals on Thurs! Looking forward to just relaxing and enjoying the company of young, spirited women who keep me sane.

Batools Birthday Part 2 of 2

Continuing the Birthday fun from Part 1, I shall briefly review the presents she received on her birthday.

1.EduScience Globe. This was from me, I had a very clear idea of what I wanted to get for Batool. We’re been traveling quite a bit in the recent past, and I thought it’s the best time to introduce the world to her so she can understand countries and things like that. This is actually for 6yrs+ but I bought it anyway for the reason I just mentioned.

So, this is a huge globe, and is meant to introduce geographical content at the pace of the child. It has nothing labeled, there are erasable markers, and a list of contents and information for parents to refer. You can basically introduce whatever part of the world you want to the child, and move further as and when needed. This is the best feature about the globe, the child won’t feel overwhelmed by the many countries, continents, oceans etc. already marked on the globe. It has a loop on top, so that it can be suspended from the wall. Batool was excited about getting the “earth” for her birthday and she loved it.

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2. Educa: The Human body puzzle. Batool knows the basic human body parts, we are familiar with the ‘head, shoulders, knees and toes’ rhymes. But this puzzle has three layers of human body parts; the upper body,  the muscles and the bones. It’s for4-7yr olds, In terms of relevance and understanding, Batool can only comprehend the bones and the upper body. We sat together and made the puzzle the first time. And they have separate puzzles for boy and girl in the top layer as you can see. The puzzle pieces aren’t to many or too small, they’re a good size and all fit into the same body outline stencil.

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3. Educa First words– This particular one is great because I am venturing into spelling land with her. And anything that motivates or helps her is fantastic for me. There are three, four and five letter words in the puzzle box, and it’s kind of like picture scrabble. In fact this game can be made with scrabble tiles and printed images. This helps in building vocabulary and boosting confidence. I played this with Batool only after I came back to Hyderabad, and I started off with three letter words, and some simple 4 letter words. The good thing was that she was familiar with all of these words, and was looking forward to learning the spellings. To promote independent play there’s a magic loupe in the contents, which helps children correct their own spelling mistakes.

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4. The Hueys in ‘None the number and ‘The new sweater’  by Oliver Jeffers

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I am a big Oliver Jeffers fan, and this trip got only the above two books. They both have humor in them and teach good concepts. ‘None the number’ introduces the value of and number zero. It’s beautifully written and it helped me make Batool understand too. Because sometimes, zero can be a difficult thing to explain!, the introduction of “none” to the vocabulary is an added bonus.

‘The new sweater’ is a book about finding your own uniqueness, and not being afraid to embrace your own personality. It’s written in a simple story form, and is a great concept to introduce at the childhood level, tolerance, acceptance etc are some concepts that the child can grab from this book. I think it’s a beautiful book that even adults can learn from. And all Oliver Jeffers books make great gifts.

That’s all for now. I need to become more prompt with my posts, if you have any suggestions please leave them in the comments below….

Happy reading mommies!

Batools Birthday Part 1 of 2

May 19th! Batool turned 5 years old!. I can’t believe it, I don’t feel as though the 5 years just “flew by”, however I do feel like her getting older is making her less controllable hehe. I have to beg for hugs and kisses, and I know soon she will be too heavy for me to lift and grab and squeeze….IMG_2693

It’s an accomplishing feeling, we are so career driven and women in general especially younger women, my age group tend to weigh their accomplishments in terms of educational qualifications and jobs. There’s nothing wrong in that, whoever for me no matter what the most significant thing in my life would be that I am a mother. It’s the most satisfying thing.

Stopping my random ramble, I am dividing her birthday post into two parts, the first part is going to be about what we did, and second part about her presents. I will review and discuss them. So here’s what happened…..

The day started off with a visit to Dubai Festival city play area, which she enjoys a lot.

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Then came the cake cutting….

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Next post coming soon…

Birthday fun!

I have been facing some courage issues with taking the daughter out. It’s very draining for me becaCAM02139use she wants to always be with me, she wants me to be beside at all times, and just wont actively participate with children. But I gathered all courage in my movement of being free from the shackles of false perception. Been feeling very positive since leaving FB. So I ordered gifts online, a book ( this is a must), and a game (you see, variety is the spice of life 😉 )

I shall leave you with pics….I kind of coordinated with the daughter on colour, but just an hour into the party a kid spilled sprite on her…Oops! Aren’t I glad I carried an extra frock! Motherhood!

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The party was great we were there till half past 11 in the night. The children enjoyed, Batool eventually started to participate, and received a gift too. There were party favours, a yummy cake, great hosts and a lot of socialising. God knows I needed it. The bday made my weekend very hectic. Friday was school day, and Sat was the PTM has]d to counsel parents/students, and then Sat was the bday, came home and made preparation for the Sunday school, and Sunday I skipped my madrasa and went for a workshop at Roshni on School mental health.

What have you been upto? Any tips of making the children mingle more?