Really, What is lonely?

Probably the most difficult feelings to feel; loneliness. It’s one thing to want quiet time, alone time, a break from everyone, and it’s a whole different scene when you feel lonely, in your heart. That’s why there’s marriage, for companionship, however I have noticed the most lonely, helpless people to be those who are “happily” married. I am not anti marriage, I am pro marriage like proper! It saddens me when people who are lonely, with¬† partner for life, consider themselves “happy” or define their marriage as “successful”. They project marriage in a negative light too.

Number of years do not project success of a marriage, the happiness, contentment, non-lonely feelings do. Human beings can believe the most hideous form of illogical rubbish if it’s drilled enough in their head. Which is why Indian people or at-least the ones I have been exposed to value marriage so much, but don’t even know what the purpose of it is. And the worst is they stick to it because that’s what they’ve been taught to be the right thing, lonely married people are the worst at giving advice, especially if they haven’t accepted that their marriage is crappy. This false believe, delusional living, lonely hearts, living with each other for purposes beyond my comprehension are basically just weak, conforming to notions of society, culture, and random people.

Lonely isn’t not being married, lonely is the feeling you get when you truly are looking for another human to share your every day with, and reciprocate the same. Lonely can happen with 25 yrs of marriage, it truly can.

It’s ironic that people celebrate their wedding anniversaries when they’re not happily married. Truth doesn’t become non-existent just because you refuse to admit it! ups and down are part and parcel of every area of our life not just marriage, jobs, education, career, children, health all will have ups and downs, what is supposed to make it bearable is faith in your creator and that special person who eases the pain. With whom it’s all hopeful. Someone to rely on, someone with whom you belong and are appreciated, someone who doesn’t make you feel lonely.

Do not expect…But why?

There’s an advice that goes around and a lot of people like it. Some things sound great on face value, they may be like the ultimate solutions to all your existing and non existent problems, but in this particular advice I beg to differ, BIG TIME.

I have been told this, I have heard other people say it to others, and It made sense to me too for a very little while. Do not expect!, then you won’t be disappointed. Well, here’s what I say, do not have unrealistic expectations, but for SURE keep expectations from people. It is important for us to do that so that we understand that we are supposed to not live a selfish life.

I keep expectations from myself, my colleagues, my friends, family everyone. Because we as human beings are required to live in harmony with each other. If we keep no expectations, we give full power to people to do whatever they want, we don’t bind them by love or acceptance. I have little to no expectations from strangers, but people that are significant to me are not strangers, and shouldn’t have to live like they can not care about me or what I feel I deserve from them.

It’s wrong to let people live without expectations on them, it’s wrong for us too, only when we keep expectations do we strive at any relationship. You just have to have the clarity between realistic and unrealistic expectations, because in the end it’s about pushing ourselves and others to become better people, the best versions of ourselves. And what’s better? When you expect, and that person breaks your trust and expectations, you know they’re not right for you, and that they don’t deserve your dedication. As opposed to the people with whom you are choosing to be a pushover, because you didn’t direct them or inform them of your expectations.

“Do not expect, you won’t be disappointed”, is like saying “don’t write the exam, you won’t fail!”

So here’s to anyone who tells you don’t expect! let’s be practical, it’s not an advice, it’s a recipe for doormat disaster.

Organising for school

I am big on preserving memories, I have a box full of cards, presents, autographed shirts etc. And since Batool is going to a new class, it only makes sense to start preserving her memories. I have photos all organised by year, and at PTM his year I got files of all her activity work, so I sorted them according to date and filed them in a blue box file her school gave.

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CAM03413I also inserted the schools journal, for memories.

CAM03414Amongst the papers were some activity sheets that Batool hadn’t done. I kept them for practicing now.

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It was such a relief to see everything all filed up together. I will continue to do this every academic year. It helps you to visually see the difference and improvement in the skills of your child as well. Children too can be motivated to do better by seeing the change.

There’s a lot of work to still be done, my school starts tomorrow and well, there’s much to be done! But excited for a new adventure, every year is great fun, looking forward to Batools new year as a big girl in PP2!

Uncertainty

If there’s one thing that scares the human soul it’s uncertainty. Regardless of how much knowledge we have of the inevitable, no matter how many plans we make and how much we try to work on them, there’s always that doubt. There’s always going to be that uncertainty of how things will go, where our lives are headed etc.

Today was a good day, went out with the siblings, chilled, played bowling, Batool enjoyed it too. There are a couple of things running in my mind at the time, I am loving this break from life I am getting in Dubai. And as much as I am ready to face the challenges of a single mother, there’s always that doubt, that need to want to know the future, to know that all is going to be fine. At these times I remind myself to strengthen my faith in God.

Well, I was scrolling on my Facebook page, for some inspiration and came across this image

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I couldn’t help but share it, looked for the whole chapter and read the translation. And wow! am I relieved! There’s nothing like an open conversation with your Creator. And this just lifted up my spirits. It is always good to know that your God has not and never will forsake you. As human beings we are constantly reminded of our dependency on others, and it can take a toll on the strongest of us.¬† And as a mother I feel the need to always be strong for Batool, and constantly give out positive energy, be the best role model of faith, determination, hard-work and clarity.

Life isn’t easy, but it’s good to know that there’s someone always watching you, and that verily the future will have better in store so long as the intentions are clean.

A little bit of fantasy (Maybe WE can stop time)

Music isn’t my thing but there’s a particular song that’s making me smile a lot these days. I am in that phase in life where I guess many moms get into where you want to be stupid, and think about things that are impossible. But it’s that element of broadening your thoughts, that makes you smile. Anyway, I’m sure I’m being rather weird….Here’s the song, it’s by a youtuber. I like his other song ‘once in a lifetime’ it’s well written and light.

This is ‘Stop time’ by Landon Austin

The lyrics are fun, well written, young, refreshing, flirty and have an empowering fantasy element to them.

Apart from the chorus above, my favourite lines from the song include ‘Let’s be fearless baby, lets be free’. So liberating! I am full on into making my happiness a priority at this point in my life.

Let me know if you enjoy the above song in the comments below…

Would you kill the queen to crush the hive?

I work at a school. And one of the best experiences being around young human beings is, you kinda don’t grow up. You are constantly reminded of your adolescence, your childhood, your teenage issues. You are almost forced to be in that phase of your life, reminiscing constantly, some conversations get you nostalgic about your own uniform clad school days.

CAM01338And as a counselor for me it’s all about solving problems, providing clarity, support, unconditional love, a safe environment for children to just let go and express themselves. I think it’s crucial for children to know that there is always going to be someone there for them, through thick and thin. And this someone isn’t always going to be an adult, a good friend can go a long way. When I was in school, there were times of loss of clarity, a feeling of struggle to own your life, take control, choose your own path etc. And this particular song used to describe that feeling. That realisation of not just the struggle, and important of taking control, but the significance support plays in the whole drill.

I listened to music in those days not for the actual music, but lyrics. And this song has powerful lyrics. My personal favourite lines from the song are not in every version of the song.

‘Would you kill the queen to crush the hive?

And would you choose water over wine, hold the wheel and drive?’

The song is written beautifully, and the chorus signifies the importance of being there for your friend (or family, or lover), no matter what decision they make:

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Have there been any songs that have had a special relevance to your life growing up?

My white and clarity

It’s really odd when you’re thinking about something and suddenly you read about the same. There’s an overwhelming feeling that takes over you. I have experienced two such situations or phenomena recently. One of which I experienced just today. But we shall go in the order of occurrence for respect.

1. I have always been the loud one, when it came to enjoying, having fun, motivating someone, but never when it came to problems that were my own. I like to solve them on my own, I like to be patient, and be supportive via space and silence. I pick up on energy very quickly, I know by just walking past a person how they’re feeling. This sense gets heightened when I know the person. This is an area of my potential, and I believe that people like me bring comfort, there’s a reason why I am able to be a good counselor and comforter for students and friends alike. I will be the quiet, patient ear. And I have been treated unjustly. And well in the midst of all the sad drama I came across this quote of Ernest Hemingway, and it was the pure expression of what I was going through. And somehow it made me feel good that a man (especially) is capable of understanding an experience women face on a regular basis, especially in family life.

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2. My maternal grandfather was a spiritually blessed man, people used to come to him for all sort of ailments and he used to recite prayers for them and comfort them. I never asked him any future telling questions, I didn’t want the ‘grandparentness’ to go away from him, because no matter what he would be my nana first. Anyway, once he has asked me a question, he asked what it is that I want to see the most in life. And I responded spontaneously as it was something I had thought of previously and I knew the exact answer. I said, I want to see a lot of ice, all white around me, me in the center of white purity. I related that to ice, as I have never experienced snow. And his response was, well it was more of a nod and appreciating bafflement. He didn’t say anything, but he looked impressed. I didn’t ask ‘why?’ because that would break the ‘grandparetness’ code I had set up in my head. Today I was going through the 600 odd pics from last evenings madrasa event, and I saw this one pic and went, ‘wow! this is exactly the white purity and surrounded by whiteness I was talking about, and there’s no ice!’. And a feeling of complete beauty took over me, I smiled into the picture and tears came to my eyes. I found my white.

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I hope in life we are able to find the courage to not just try to find the truth but fight for it. So many of us live under the pressure of a conformist society, just trying to get through the day that; we forget that there’s a higher purpose to achieve. I have found my white, and I have faith in those who believe in moving forward, and aren’t afraid to stand for the truth. Stand up for what’s wrong, and most importantly refuse to be silent sufferers,because we know for a fact that; not all will realise that our patience, our silence and our strength is actually meant for the change, and not acceptance of dwelling in the problems.

Happy strength mommies!

Accepting Ignorance

I just came across a quote that inspired me to write this post. This is going to be deeply intellectual and thought provoking readers….

“Whoever abandons saying, “I do not know” meets his destruction”- Imam Ali (as)

The above quote holds great significance in my life. It has been my point of realisation of many people and mentalities around me. This isn’t specific to Hyderabad per say, even though here is where I came to my realisations. I will break this quote down into three…Child, parent and society

1. Child-A child will never be afraid to say “mommy I don’t know”. He is willing to learn, and so he understands the only way to do so is just express that he doesn’t have the knowledge. This eventually dies in some kids, we call it lack of confidence or self-esteem, when the child returns home and has so many doubts. “why didn’t ask your teacher?” we say. This issue arises partially due to the extreme pressure on students in schools. When it comes to education we want children to be top notch, ‘know it alls’. But a child who isn’t willing to accept his ignorance will never learn, simply because he will never ask questions.

2. Parent- As parents we are the role models, we are older, more mature, more experienced than our kids, and this gets to our heads. Accept it! Many of us are guilty of this; we change topics when we can’t answer the questions of our toddlers, we are embarrassed when we don’t know something, and even more embarrassed to accept it. This happens to teachers as well, they will ask the child to “keep quiet”, “this isn’t part of your syllabus” instead of being human and accepting that they don’t know. Our kids didn’t come with a manual, and we are only humans, so why not accept our ignorance with finesse? This will be a great model for your child to follow at school too. He will not be afraid to face the truth, and ask questions an make and effort to find out the answers.

3. Society- This is very tricky, because this is the land of adults. In families I have noticed when the elders have a mind set of “i am infallible’ such dialogues occur. You can’t move forward with time if you’re not willing to constantly educate yourself, and for that the first step is to accept that ‘you don’t know’. The lack of this courage in turn sends the message to the whole society that once you’re a certain age, or become the only elders alive in the family, you can do whatever, no questions asked; in other words Being unreasonable is your right. What sets us apart from animals is our capability to evolve intellectually, learn, educate, move forward, and if we can’t accept that we don’t know something, we are definitely headed for destruction. No one likes a person living in denial of the obvious. We shouldn’t be proud about things that are going to make us backward, everyday is a learning opportunity, and to make the most of it, we need to accept that God has created a world for us to explore and educate ourselves.